


Concrete Maker

by Wugim



Category: Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio), The Paternoster Gang (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:00:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25816969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wugim/pseuds/Wugim
Summary: Strax discovers food hazards in a world before health-code regulations and decides to commit an HSE violation.
Relationships: Strax & Madame Vastra
Kudos: 9





	Concrete Maker

**Author's Note:**

> CW for mild altruistic self-destructive behavior

It was a gross violation of his duties, Strax decided, to neglect his intercept of the household foodstuffs for so long. He would need to report himself to his superiors during the evening briefing, but not before he removed the threat.

Strax pulled down the flour and scowled as it dispersed explosive matter on the counter. A wise precaution, to have it in the kitchen. One never knew when they needed an emergency, hand-made grenade after all! However, its poor container might contaminate its surroundings.

It was baffling, Strax decided as he set the flour to the side, that both his mistresses insisted on such an inefficient means for metabolism as _food_ , which couldn’t even be entirely utilized as energy, but he was not one to question.

Strax pulled his scanner out again and moved on to the container next to where the flour had sat. It was surely contaminated on the outside, but perhaps they were counting on the security of the other containers to keep them safe. Strax had seen Miss Jenny utilize this container his first evening in their service. It was called “tea”.

Strax started to nod, satisfied that there was in fact no explosive matter in the tea, but then stopped.

Strax grabbed the jar and headed out of the kitchen and toward the sitting room. In the cabinet lay the dishes that Miss Jenny had offered the substance to him in. He tucked jar under his arm and scanned the cabinet. As he suspected, the contamination ran so deep that despite Miss Jenny’s meticulous cleaning, it was completely non-salvageable. Perhaps not enough to cause acute effects, but he was a nurse, not a physician. He would take no risks with his comrades’ health.

Grabbing the dishes, Strax rushed to the courtyard and had to resist dropping them directly onto the ground. Strax had no desire to be in contact with substance, but it was certainly disrespectful to the property to contaminate it blatantly by breaking the contaminated porcelain with it. It might contaminate the ground and if one of the shoe-less “Irregulars” reported in and absorbed it through their feet.

Instead, he set them down carefully and rushed back into the tool-shed that Madame had permitted him to convert into an armory and considered his options. The ceramic would be difficult to decontaminate, as it were. He could pull out his strongest fluoridizers, but the material was similar enough to the stone of the courtyard that he might cause unnecessary damage to the property. It would be more prudent to convert it into a different substance before its permanent disposal.

Ah! The mortar! Primitive, but should he attach it to the portable generator it would do the job in a timely manner. After it was in a fine powder, he would combine it with water to keep it from dispersing in the air and inquire of the local toxic waste storage areas. After, he would inform Madame Vastra and Miss Jenny of his good deed and perhaps they would commend him on his clever solution.

Strax brought the mortar and generator out and set to work, setting aside the jar of tea. While the mortar whirred, he opened it and held his breathe in case the toxin could diffuse into the air. He pulled a match from his pocket and lit the contents on fire.

The ground ceramic began to puff out, coating his clothing and face in powder. An oversight, he realized as he pulled his shirt collar over his mouth, but so long as no one stepped into the courtyard before he could contain it, it would harm no one.

The door behind him creaked open.

“Strax!” Madame Vastra called out. Her footsteps rushed behind him. He turned around and dropped his shirt collar as he put his hand up to salute. The powder burned, but it seemed Madame’s veil was protecting her well enough.

“What are you doing?” Madame Vastra demanded.

“I am obliterating a malicious attempt of subterfuge against this unit’s health,” Strax explained calmly. His eyes started to sting.

“What? Turn that machine _off_ , Strax!” Madame ordered.

Strax turned and disconnected the power strip that connected the pestle to the battery. The dust settled as the machine whirred to a stop.

“Repeat what you just said, Strax,” she insisted.

Strax repeated himself.

“What attempt at malicious subterfuge? And why does that justify you coating the courtyard in dirt?” Madame asked.

“The contents of this ‘tea’-” Strax pointed at the burning jar “are poisonous. I found that the ceramic dishes in the sitting room cabinet were also contaminated. In order to neutralize the substance, I have started to destroy the contaminated objects by grounding them into a powder. I will then mix it with water and store in an appropriate waste container before seeking out the culpable party and obliterating them.”

“Ceramic?” Madame said. “Do you mean the fine china? That was in the parlor?”

Strax nodded. Beneath her veil, he could practically see the pride in her eyes.

“Strax, I fear you have made an error. Miss Jenny will be _most_ displeased.”

Strax’s face fell.

“You see,” Madame continued, “tea is meant to poison the consumer. Mildly. It is an _essential_ aspect of human culture.”

“Meant to…?” Strax repeated.

“Indeed. I too, found it odd when I joined them,” Madame explained. “The poison keeps them awake and alert as they socialize with other humans.”

Ah. That made sense. When a human representing a rival faction, or a new faction one hadn’t had the opportunity to analyze, it would behoove oneself to keep one’s wits with whatever advantage one had on hand.

Strange, but Strax understood the necessity of sacrificing one’s health in duty and service.

“I see,” Strax said after a pause.

“It’s not very easy,” Madame gestured at the jar. The fire was sputtering out as it burned through the dry leaves and choked in the dusty air. “To adjust into this strange society is it, Strax?”

“Indeed, Madame,” he agreed.

“Personally, I still rely on Jenny to demystify the bafflement her society partakes in,” Madame said. “Perhaps in the future, you might do the same?”

Strax hesitated. “Madame,” he said, “at which point should I intervene, as to not risk the negligence of my duty to this household?”

“Great question,” Madame said. “What do you believe your obligations in this matter are? You do not eat.”

Indeed. Strax used the efficient raw energy from the very generator he had attached to the mortar. He had offered to contact the Doctor to bring them to a specialist who could convert their bodies, but they had instead offered him the same.

In the end, they had agreed to leave each other to their own devices.

“I have the same obligation in all the other duties, both broad and specified, Madame,” Strax said. “I am obligated to protect my comrades.”

Madame Vastra paused.

“Strax, I believe I have a vital duty to impose on you, then,” she said.

Strax puffed his chest out. After this blunder, additional responsibilities instead of a court martial was confusing but welcome. Perhaps it was another cultural oddity he would need to adjust himself to.

“The next time Miss Jenny goes to the market, you will go with her and inform her of any adulteration to the products she seeks to buy. You will continue this until we have found reliable contacts to provide these products. Do you accept this duty?” Madame Vastra implored.

The smoke of the tea jar finally fizzled out, the dust shifted off of his shoulders, and Strax saluted.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I will never not find it funny that Jenny scans that goose for food adulteration in "The Cars that Ate London".  
> Anyway the story cuts off where it does because Jenny definitely gives him the silent treatment for a week and I didn't want to write that much :/


End file.
